Whitey "Chairman of the Board" Ford throws a pitch

Channing Frye is a six-year veteran in the NBA who currently plays center and power forward for the Phoenix Suns. From 2007 to 2009, his smooth jump shot and companionable demeanor made him a fan favorite on the Portland Trail Blazers. Channing still lives in Portland during the off-season, and hosts charitable events both in Portland and in Phoenix. We asked him to compare these two cities the only way that makes sense: through analogy.
—Lucas Bernhardt

PROPELLER: If Phoenix/Portland were a romantic comedy, what would be the dialogue leading up to the first kiss?

Phoenix Boy: It's so hot.
Phoenix Girl: My lips are so juicy they will quench both our thirsts.

Portland Boy: Your lips look so good. Is that organic lipgloss?
Portland Girl (stage whisper): Of course!

PROPELLER: You're eating a garden salad when you notice an insect in the lettuce. If Phoenix/Portland were that insect, what species would it be?

CHANNING FRYE: In Phoenix it would be a flying roach. In Portland, a ladybug.

PROPELLER: If Phoenix/Portland were an ancient epic, what would be the monster, and what weapon would the hero use to kill it?

CHANNING FRYE: The monster in Phoenix would be the Phoenix, and the weapon of conquest a bottle of Fiji water. In Portland the enemy is pollution, and the hero is the weapon: Captain Planet.

PROPELLER: How many Phoenixers(?)/Portlanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

CHANNING FRYE: Three residents of Phoenix: one to screw in the light bulb and two to fan the person, preventing heatstroke. One Portlander…to ask if it's a lifetime bulb.

PROPELLER: If Phoenix/Portland were an action film, what would the protagonist say before blowing the place sky-high?

Phoenix: These tamales are EXTRA hot!
Portland: This DEFINITELY isn’t organic.

Channing FryePROPELLER: If Phoenix/Portland were a hole on a mini-golf course, what would its features be?

CHANNING FRYE: On the Phoenix hole, you have to contend with a cactus, sheriff Joe Arpio, U of A, and a thermometer. The Portland hole makes you thread it between Portlandia, a sturgeon, a hipster, and a hippie.

PROPELLER: How would Phoenix/ Portland complete this Homeric Hymn: "Queen Deo, be gracious, you and your daughter all beauteous Persephone, and for my son grant me..."?

Phoenix: "the money for him to attend the University of Arizona, for it is the greatest university in the history of the world."
Portland: "a public transit pass to take the MAX to Saturday market."

PROPELLER: If Phoenix/Portland ordered a club sandwich, it would say, "Hold the _____."

CHANNING FRYE: Phoenix wouldn't hold anything, but she'd say (in a valley girl voice), "Now I can’t eat for 3 days! I’m sooooo on a diet." Portland might regret whatever it held, or say, "I should have asked for vegan cheese." Ω